Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Randomize
