see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
