a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
another moral hangover. fuck.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
The police scanner is talking about you again....
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
