Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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