Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
