the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
