my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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