i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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