the new term for farting is butt boxing.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
