Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize