i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
