I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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