Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
