yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
