there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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