Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
