shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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