i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i was born a porn star she said
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
