i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
