he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
