Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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