Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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