I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize