So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
