woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
