Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
