She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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