At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
