I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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