The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I love you.
Bad choice
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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