i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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