Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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