What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
