I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
