Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
