What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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