I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
