Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
