its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
