this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
