jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
