There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
