I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
