So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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