we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
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