Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
