Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
