Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
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