Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
