did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize