wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Randomize
