It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Houston, we have a squirter
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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