So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
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