my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
