Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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