i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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