dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
