I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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