i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Randomize
