I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
