There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
