I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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